A New Journey

I haven't "blogged" for awhile because shortly after returning from our trip, I began a new, completely unanticipated and rather painful journey. Honestly it has caught me off guard and unprepared, though it shouldn't have. These last three months I have staggered and stumbled, faltered and fallen. It is a journey whose destination and purpose is, to me at least, uncertain and frightening. In one sense I am taking this journey alone and yet I have many supporters and helpers. They cheer me on, lift me up, encourage my soul and petition God on my behalf.

In my life to date, this is the roughest, most demanding journey I've ever taken. It is requiring more of me mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually and my weaknesses and inadequacies and failings are obvious to all in abundance. This is not a journey I want to take. I would be glad to end it today and certainly I pray for that more some days than others. This journey has interfered with the route I had wanted to travel. I had other plans, great plans, grandiose plans of what I would do and what I would accomplish in the fall of 2008 and most, if not all, of my goals seem unattainable right now.

Is God leading me on this journey? I don't know. Is he with me on this trek? Absolutely. Whatever the destination, whatever the experiences along the way, I have the confidence of knowing beyond a shadow of a doubt that God will never leave me or forsake me, that he works all things together for the good of those who love him, that no discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful, and that suffering produces perseverance. I know I should consider it "pure joy", but I'm finding that is easier said than done. Right now, I'm finding it very difficult to find pure joy in being awake again at 3 a.m. What wouldn't I give for a full, uninterrupted and restful night's sleep?

Where will this journey take me? When and where will it end? What will I lose and what will I gain? I have no choice but to "keep on keeping on". I don't know if I'm always doing the right thing or even the best thing. I fight and argue with God and sometimes I ask him to take this cup from me and remove this thorn from my flesh. Other times I pray for strength, faith and wisdom. And yet, at other times I pray simply for clarity and understanding, just some sense of what this is about and where it might be headed. I pray for those who are closest to me; my journey is to a great degree their journey, since what I can and cannot do impacts their lives as does my pain and struggles. I thank God for those who are willing to endure their pain to help and support me. I am undeserving of such love and loyalty.

I feel sleep, once again, creeping back into my body. I will obey its call and surrender to its power.